People have a general saying. I know what you are going through and I’m happy to say that they don’t. The pain a CF patient are going through is unimaginable, unthinkable and let’s be honest, pretty fucking shit. I don’t want to make all these blogs about what people do is wrong. I just want and hope I am helping others in low times, in times they feel down. To show that it’s natural and emotions are always going to get the most from us. When I wanted to go to America with all my friends in 2005 and was told there was a huge risk I would arrive home in a box. This was horrific but I talked to Martina over a “little” tequila. Put all my emotions down and cried buckets. With that we put a plan together and overcame the obstacles. I had the best summer ever in Chicago and came home with improved lung function and a reason to live. What would have happened if I accepted doctors words. I probably would still begrudge everyone and in my head would have been 6ft under from a give up attitude. This might be exception to the case.

But let me put stuff on the line here that not even my closest know about me. Some guys know and they know who they are. But yes I have suffered from depression.  I have seeked help and came back fighting. During these dark times. I was heavy on drink. Had fallings out with people closest to me and generally hated the world around me. Some would say. “Well you are brave to come out and admit this.” The opposite. I needed a root in the hole and thanks to family, friends and my girlfriend Rosie.  I can look back and laugh. Not laugh that I was depressed as I feel depression is a disease that has no symptoms or cure only the person themselves can fight it, its fucking lethal. I was laughing at the journey I came through with the best of everything and brilliant support. Why was I depressed. Money? Life? Family? None of this. Money never worried me as I never see it as my wealth. Money can buy you materialistic shite but not happiness, transplant or a cure for CF or any disease. Life is shit with all the medicines but that’s my life and through the years I made fantastic friends. I have always preached that a CF person will greet you like no other as we live with this disease and are used to it. My sympathy is for anybody that gets eat by cancer or worse. It tears there sole out. Healthy one day to independent on medication the next. They don’t know where to turn. What is more scary about this is it can effect every single person in life. There is no way out for some. The guys in the NRH are forever sitting down. They will never walk from a strock to a car accident caused by a drunk driver. Trust me I met Gene and John last week. This stuff is not gene related it’s the harsh reality of life.

So before you turn to someone and say he looks sick. Think of how you would feel if you were in that persons shoes. My depression stemed from being self aware of what other people thought and although I was a very outgoing person I was still very conscious of my posture, structure, coughing, looking grey and general comments you would hear. This lessened after x-plant but never fully left. There was only one thing that made this go away and that was alcohol. The alcohol led to feuds with family and friends. Led to people calling to see me regarding my “alcohol” problem but unfortunately these guys didn’t see the deep hurt. The true hurt. I was using alcohol as a shield. Due to the brain drugs the alcohol is now curtailed to minimal and I have overcame this struggle and to be honest I never thought I would ever write about this.

With that part of my life over, I need to enjoy stuff I never thought possible. I look around to the closest to me and listen. Rosie my girlfriend fights every second for a job in a course she spent up to 4 years studying a qualified biomedical engineer and gets nothing but rejection email. It breaks my heart but there is physically nothing I can do. I was off work for 5 months and got offer 4 jobs. Two with Facebook, one with Sky and a telecom company in Galway. Its tough and I wish to god something happens soon. What I’m trying to say is we all have issues but prioritise these. 5 years ago I bought the book the secret and got huge knowledge after that about 4 years I bought “the power of the law of attraction” I wrote down my goals on life and repeated them to myself for weeks until I got tired. Four years later I’m sitting here with my girlfriend,  my transplant, my nice car, them trips to America and a good life to look forward too. I continue to work on this site, work with Paula on my fitness/weight gain.  Keep in contact with Pat D as he is just an inspiration. 533 individuals doing a event that raised €100,000 so far. He’s not done yet and already another project in mind. Watch out world. They thought he was crazy, he is not crazy, he is inspired. I look after appointments every single week. Bloods, CF, Diabetes, dietician, training, Prof Egan, Dr O’Rourke. Castlebar, Beaumont and The Mater.  Life is hectic but I’m smiling doing it and I am waiting for that piece of luck or do I go chase it? Early bird and all that bollix. I know I tell everyone to chase your dreams and believe but I find it exhausting. Can I live my dream or am I living my dream. It’s a short line. How do you balance it. Family and rosie have been hugely helpful in my day to day. With Pat and Paula motivating my mind and body. I have seen terrible things In life and especially over the past 2 weeks. I’m 4 years with the lads this week and am inspired to go further in life. All I ask from you is to pick up a card. I also have stuff in the pipeline for the next 6 months in regards CF, events and a little surprise or two. But life is boring without surprises. #onedayatatime #beadonor #livelifegivelife